Parent Resource Center
Finding out that your child has been smoking can be very upsetting. In the heat of the moment, it’s tempting to confront your teen angrily. But this approach – asserting your authority, punishing her or making her feel ashamed – can turn the scene into a battle, making a teen even more defensive.
When Darcy found out her son was smoking, she said, “I wanted to punish him the minute I heard. I needed to give myself some time to absorb it, talk to my husband…and get my head together.”
What works is calm, compassionate communication. This is something you may not be able to manage right away. So take a breath and cool off. You might even say, “I’m pretty upset by this right now and we’ll need to talk about this later.” Remember, the fact that your child has tried cigarettes is serious, but it doesn’t mean she’s destined to a lifetime of smoking. While you can’t force her to quit, there are many ways you can encourage her to stop.
If you simply ask a teen, “Why are you smoking?”, chances are she won’t be able to answer. Make it easier by being more specific: “Let’s talk about why you might be smoking. Are you worried about fitting in?”
Try to gather information about how much she smokes, how often, how she got started. Remember, you’re not an interrogator (“I demand to know who gave you those cigarettes!”); you’re a parent. Your aim is to find out what appeals to your child about smoking and what other problems she may be trying to solve by using tobacco.
For example, she may tell you that she smokes in situations that are socially stressful. This is an opportunity to acknowledge her feelings and find out more about what’s going on in her life: “Tell me more about what you feel. What stresses are you under these days?”
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Activity: What if My Child Says... |
While children may know that cigarettes are bad for them, some still experiment with smoking. Ask your child: “What were you wondering about? Did the actual experience of smoking match up with what you thought it would be?” Once he knows you’re really listening, you can add your thoughts: “You know that smoking is dangerous, and it’s very easy to get addicted to cigarettes. I’m concerned that this doesn’t happen to you.”
Next Topic: Supporting
Your Kid's Effort To Quit
Text in this section from: Could your kid be smoking? (2005)
